I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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