Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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