I will die if light touches me.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
