i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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