if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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