paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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