Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
