bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize