Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
