I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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