What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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