I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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