my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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