Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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