I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Are my feet made of real feet?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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