On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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