oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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