the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
