the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
