We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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