If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Randomize
