Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
