operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
