i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
