I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
