There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
