i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
