I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
God, you're like boner-b-gone
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
