Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
