Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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