what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
