so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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