He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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