I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
