Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
