sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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