Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Randomize
