Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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