There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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