opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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