I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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