I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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