I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
