I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
