I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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