Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
