Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
