Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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