all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
