my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
