I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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